


captien man

by PrincessSporks



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: America, Angst with a Happy Ending, Civil War (Marvel), Fighting, How Do I Tag, M/M, intellectual, noooo my babbies please don't fight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-05-04 05:50:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5322869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessSporks/pseuds/PrincessSporks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hi guys! So I saw the trailers for Civil War and ahhhhhhhh i'm so excited!!!!! So this isnt cannon (obviously lol) but i wanted to write my idea of Civil War. I hope you like it!!!!!!!! sorry i don't know how to do summaries</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. love's flow

Captan man chapt 1  
Loves flour blooming

Tony stark was using hsi machine cameras tto watch Captein America shower.

“Mm yes” he say. “I plege allegance to that ass.”

Than Steve Rodger saw the camera when he was rubbing the suds all over his tight washboard abs. “oh my GOD!!!” he yelled with much anger. “Tony you fuck!!”

“oh shit,” said Tony and he shut off the camera real quick. “Jeepers! Bring me mah suit!”

Jungle saluted. “Yes milord! and then he got Tone the iron man suit.

“Sweet bro.” Then Tony put it on and posed like a boss.

“FUCK YOU TONY!” Captaen America breaks through the door and sheaks his angry fist.

Tony put on the rocket shoes and flew out the window. “Bye bitch.” 

“NOOOOO!” Steve falled on his knees and begun to cry. Tony was spying on him! He felt violated. 

“He will pay,” tseve ground his teeth. “he. will. PAY!!!!!!!”

The blonde man runned out of the tour determinedly. Then he runned away to Bucky’s house.

“Hello steve.” Said bucky flirtily. “I want to kiss you.”

Steve punched him hard in the face. “NOT today Bucky.” We have busness to atend to!

“Ok. What we doing?”

“I need yur help.”

“Ok.”

“Its very imortant.”

“Ok.”

“You have to keep it a secret.”

“Ok.”  
“I need you……… to help me beat up……..” Steve locked into Buck’s eyes intensely “IRON MAN”

“Iron man?”

“Iron man” shouted the capten.

“Oh no” Bucky was afraid “But hes so strong.”

“Pssssssssssshaw.” Steve laughed. “Ha! Ha! Ha! Hes no match for US!”

“Gee golly Steve. If you saw so.”

“I need you to go gathre the others”

“Ok”

“Yes” Steve chuckled evilly, except he wasn’t bad. “This is going tobe ………

A CIVIL WAR”

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. the begining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captian Man gets down to busness!!!!! (to defeat the huns lolol)

chapter two  
IT BEGINS!!!

so Black Window And Hawkeye were walking in to the confrence room.

¨what od you think this is about?¨ said hawketye.

Natasha smirked, ¨oh I have a few ideas¨

¨Like what?¨

She gigled ¨I think their having a lovers quirrel.¨

¨Wait who?¨

She gigled ¨He He He.¨

¨Youre wierd Tashy.¨

in the confrence room, at the end of the long confrence table, an omnious figure was sitting in a spinny chair in the shadows. 

¨WELCOME¨ he said loud. ¨PLEASE TAKE A SEAT.¨

¨Oh hi bucky¨ said Natasha and Hawkeye.

Bucky did a double take, ¨how did you know it was me?¨

¨Your arm is still metal¨

Bucky looked down and he his shirt was still off. ¨Oops.¨

“Put yo shirt back on” said hawkeye. “i don’t wanna see that.”

“But i’m contractully obliged to have me shirt of for twnety percent of the screen time”

“What”

“at least I’m better than Captan America. He has to go shirtles sfor half his screen time”

Just then, steve walked in, his ripling abs glissening in the pale moonlight.

“See?” said bucky.

Steves abs was glowing so strong that Natasha and Hawkete but on their sunglasses.

“Good evening” he said all official “I suppose your wandering why i called you here today”

“Did you have another fight with Tony?” ask Natasha

“................no” steve lied.

“Your lying.”

“........ok, yeah,” admited Capton America.

“Listen,” said Steve. “we’ve been frieds for a long time all of us. i trust you all with my life.”

“Can I use your bathromo?”

“NO, HAWKEYE!!!!” their were tears in steve’s eye. “THIS IS SERIOUS!!!! SIT DOWN!!!! Ahem. That insuffrable man has betrayed my trust and my piracy for the LAST TIME. Im counting on you to help me end his Rain of Terror….. for once and for all!!!!”

Hawkwye raised his hand.

“Sigh…. what is it now barton?”

“Uh it kind of sounds like youre asking us to kill tony.”

“Yes hawkeye. I know it does.”

…..

…..

“You dont… actually want us to kill him right?”

“Oh hawkey. Thats EXACTLY what i want you to do.”

“THATS LUDICRUOUS!” BArked Clint. “Tashy, you CAN’t be going along with this!”

Natasha was frown. “Steve I think you need to calm down. this is absurd. I will never be party too such a highness crime.”

Chaptan america past Natasha a check for forty dollars with her name on it.

“How do you want him killed?” she asked while she loads her gun.

“Slowly. painfully. CRULLY.”

“Ok. Gimme two minutes to stop by my apartment. I’ll need to get the SpECIAL tools.:

“This is crazy!!!!” say hawee “but i cant do anything without you so i guess im coming to.”

Steve flexed triumphant. “that’s two! bucky are you coming with us? Bucky?”

Bucky was in a coroner. He petted a glass jar full of strange colorles liquid. “What?”

“were you paying attention to any of that?”

“no.”

“SIGH. bucky, are you going to help us kill stTony?”

“Oh f*ck yeah.”

“Alright then! Avengers assemble!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow! Stevie is kinda a badass huh? ^.^ Some1 commented and told me that they lurved the first chapter and It made me feel spuper inspired! So if you want me to write more you know what do to wink wink <3


	3. the IRON PLAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone due to POPULAR DEMAND i have a new chapter? I hope you ll like it :)))))))))

Capter 3

it is time for tony

 

Meanwhilemeanwhile Iron man was having a meeting too. it was very serious.

 

“boo hoo hoo, cried Tont.

 

Bruce Banner sighed and passed Tony a nother kleenix.

 

“he HATS me,” Tony sobs.

 

“Yeah brobably” admitted bruce.

 

He held our his empty classof licker. “Brucy top me off.”

 

“No you’ve had enough.”

 

“Jargle top me off.”

 

“YES MY LORD” beeped July. he poured more booze in the glass of iron man. Tony chugged it all.

 

“Arr this is depressing” said Tony.

 

“You’r telling me,” Bruce exclaime, “Are you just goint to be sit here and cry until Steve shows up to mop the floor with you?”

 

“...yes?”

 

“Look at you!” Bruce pointed his finger angrily.

 

Tony was wearing boxers an an undershirt with stains all over it from the Cheetos and booze. He had grown a big ol bread like Hagrid (AN: hes from the movie Harry Potter) and he gained many pounds.

 

“Leave me alon. I am distraught.” he said, distraught.

 

“Seriously!!! Steve left like two hours ago!! Are u going to let him be getting to you this much!”

 

Tony sniveled. “maybe?”

 

“NO!! I thought you were being IRON MAN, not HYDRATED MAGNESIUM SILICATE MAN! You are being self-contained and strong! You must do REMIND Stev who is the BOSS!!!!”

 

Bruce was so full of viril passion that he begun to Hulk out. Re hipped off his shirt.

 

“But Bruce what will do?” he ask.

 

“WHAT WILL YOU DO!! YOU WILL FIGHT BACK!!” he poked tony with his big green finger. “YOU SHOW THAT CAPTIEN AMERICA WHO IS BEInG THE BOSS!”

 

“Yes,” Iron man agreed. 

 

“WHO IS THE BOSS?”

 

“The boss is me.”

 

“LOUDER”

 

“The boss is me!”

 

“LOUDERRRRRRR” Hulk roared.

 

“THE BOSS,” Tony bellowed, “IS ME!”

 

“WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE DOING?”

 

“I WILL FIGHT SIEVE!”

 

“YESSSSSS”

 

“JUMANJI!” Tonyt damanded. “GET ME THE PHONE!!”

 

He made a call.

 

“Yes?” said a man voice on the end of the line. 

 

“Hello……………………. Nick Furry.”

 

“Whassup, son? I’m in the middle of mah bubble bath.”

 

“I need you to help me degeat Captane America.”

 

“Shit, whgat did you do this time?”

 

“Nooooothing.”

 

“You always do something. Why I gotta haul your ass outta trouble?”

 

“Uh well.” Tony couvred the mouthpeice. “Bruce what do I say?”

 

“Even I am not knowing why I am helping you.”

 

“Thanks alot.” Iron man speaked to Nick Furry. “Because I can build you a superbomputer to hold all your weirdass porn.”

 

There was a pause. “........You know about that?”

 

“I am a CEO. Invasions of privacey are childs play.”

 

“You play dirtier than a dung beatle.”

 

“I now.”

 

“Fine. Ill help you.”

 

Tony was excited. “Who else can we get on hour side?”

 

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm,” hmmed bruce. “Spiderman?”

 

“No, no. He went of with that Deadpool guy to celebrate the movie coming out?”

 

“Oh, the Deadpool movie?”

 

“No, Alvan and the Chipmunks 4: Road CHip.”

 

“Right, who else we got?”

 

“Uh, I dunno… Ant Man?”

 

“Im not working with that guy until he returns my washing machine.”

 

“I guess its just us then.”

  
“Just how Papa likes it,” Tony said. “Now then I have a…. IRON PLAN.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If u like it then remember 2 bookmark subscribe kudos and comment!!!! Makes princess encourage to write more ;)


	4. Steves Tortur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caprien Anerica must fac ehis most crushing fears.

Chaper 4  
Stark Land

The Captan America, Back Widow, Hwkeye, and Bucky. They all were going to asasinate Iron man. They were standing at the place where the Iron Man Tower Was supposed to be but it was not they’re/

Instead there was a omnyous black streem that went into theabyss. And a boat.

“What da fuq” says Nat. “Where is the iron man.”

“Maybe if we go on the boat we will know.” helpfully suggest Clint.

“That is a good plan,” explained Steve, “I agree and lets go on the boat.”

Bucky still had the jar of colourles liquid. He was slurping out it with a stra.

They all went on the boat. The boat saled off into the water. It was a dark tunel like the one from the willy wonka movie that was actualy good. 

Then……………… all of a sudan all these puppets start pooping out of the walls!!!!

“ITD A SMALL WORLD AAAAAFTER ALL ITS A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL” they were singing.

There were puppets from all over the world. Puppets from Japan wearing the kimono. Puppets from russia drinking hte vodka. Puppets from French wearing the baguet. puppets from ireland eatingpotato. Puppets from germany with the black moustache over upper lip. puppets from Spanish with SOmbrero.

“THERES SO MCUH THAT WE SHARE THAT ITS TIME WE AWARE” the puppets sang

“ITS AA SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL” sang Hawkeye. He excitedly was boobing up and down to the beet. 

A puppet of a bigass opera lady sang real loud in Natasha’ ear. Without even locking over her shoulder she took out a pistul and shot the puppet.

Bucky was opening and close the glass jar and he huffed tkhe fumes glike glue.

Steve was getting annoyed at these puppest that were singling “its a small world after all” by Mr Disney. But most have all; he was anoyed because there is no american puppets!!!!

“Hey” he complained “where are the puppets from america!”

“No.” said the puppets. “ther are no puppets from USA.”

Steve got down on his knees. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

Puppets all laughed. And they laughed and they laughed laughed layghed laughed laughed.

The ride ended.

“WELCOME!” the puppets “WELCOME TO STARK Park!”

“Ehat is Stakr Park?” demanded of Steve.

“If you respel it, you get Stalkr And,” said Hoekeye with wise.

A sign above mthem read STARK PARK in bog old letters. THe ANTI-AMERICAN THEME PARK.

Steve got down on his knees. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”  
“what does it MEAN??”

A loudspeaker boome d with Iron mans sexy voice. “Hello Steve. This is a park I made four you.”

“Aww” said Csptsin America. “I mean f**** off!”

“It is an amusement park. Or…….. shoulder I say…………. a NIGHTMARE PARK!!!!”

Steve got down on his knees. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

“It is full of your WOSRT NIGHTMARE. Good luck!” Then Tony SHark was laughing evilly into the speaker.

Natasha shot the speaker.

“Ow,” said TOny. Then it left.

“Steve you have to get up,” said Hawko. “Bucky help me get Steve up.”

Bucky looked at Steves tight spandax-clad ass. He bit his lip.

“Bucky?”

“WHat? Oh yeah.”

They pulled the crying Steve to his feet. Then they did that clap-on-the-back-bro-thing.

“Lets look around” said Steve. He stepped foward.

“Wathc out!” exclaimed Black Widew and she tackled him and they fell to the ground.

Sudenly a swarm of flying fox bats with old white peeple faces swooped down from the sign. They started scramming. and pecking at everyones’s hair.

“VAXINES CAUSE AUTISM” they creamed “MIDDLE EASTREM PEOPLE ARE TERRISTS. I HACE A BLACK FRIEND SO I AM RACE EXPERT.”

Finally they flu into the distense. “What were those?” puzzled Hawkeye.

“Pteropus insaneus or the Flying Fox News” warn Nat. “be carefully.”

“Wow you are sexya nd also smart tashy” Cliny explained. Nlack Widow winked and her bobbies jiggled all hot.

There is all sorts of other attracshuns in the STARK PARK. Roller coster that takes the Confederate Flag shape. NRA shooting range where can try to shoot the signs that say “GUNS KYLE PEOPLE” to win a a teddy bare. Haunted house that says Wstboro Baptist CHurch on its front. The gang walked past all of these. Steve was crying.

They walked into the food quart.

“God I am starving!” ejackulated hAwkete. He went to the cotten candy mashine which sold only the finnest slave-picked cotton. Butt it did not work. He went to the hot dig mashine wich sold weiners based off of Antony Weiners dick pix. But it also did not work. He went to the Made In America berger shoppe where they took foods from otter countres and made them but with burgurs. but it also did not work.

“Hey” compained to Haeye. “None of dese work!”

“Just like the government of U.S.A!” cackled Tonny on the loudspeaker.

Steve shock his angry fist.

“We half to get out of her!” ekclaimed Blank Widow.

“God idea,” agreed Steve. And so they all started to run.

“Hey I think I can see the exit” noticed Bucky.  
They all saw it. But then…………………… Hokey skreamed.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” he yyelled.

“Hawjeye!!!!!!1!!!” NATAShe gasped her tittys bouncing at she turned around.

Hookeye was being crushed under a biggass pile of paper. “WHAT ARE THESE!!!”

Steve picked off one and read it. “This is……. a student loan paper???”

“YES” says the loudspeaker “THIS IS THE CRUSHING WAIT…………... OF THE AVARAGE AMERICAN COLLEDGE GRADUATES STUDENT DEBT!!!!!!”

You cold here footsteps coming closer and colser.

“Sumone is not coming!” observantly yelled Bucky.

“YES. YOU HAVE YET TO FACE THE GARDIEN OF THE STARK PARK. THE…….. FINAL BOSS SO TO SPEAK.”

A man in a suit (the suit that has a tye not a superman suit) with hare that looked like puke was coming colser.

“Hello sir are you the final boss?” Hawkeue’s momma had always taut him to be polit.\\\

“Yes” says the man with a voice of evil. “It is me…….. President Of The United States Donald Trump.”

TO BE CONTINUD!!!!!!!!!!!


	5. Ikaros Rises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Huehue only a little more tim until the reel movie!!!! I'm so excite!!!! I hope its as god as my storee heehee ^ . ^

Capter Six 

 

“Man” said Tony, “sometimes I wish I was Jesus.”

Bruce shoke his head. “Why are you of the being so drunk?”

“Imagine the posibilitties!’ he wavd his hand in the air “if I was jesus I could make an OCEAN of wine.”

“Yeah thats really what you need right now” bruc was sarchasm.

“Have you ever wondred how Jesuses powers work? The human body is like sixty percent water. Cold Jesus turn sixty percant of someon’s body into wine? Shit, boy.”

“I didnt know you were being religious.”

“I dunno man,” said Tont. “Just… wow, just imagine.”

“For fucks sake man no more booze.”

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Dolan Trump takes out a machine gun.

“HOHOHO” hesays “JUST BEARIN MAH SECUND AMENMENT RIGHTS”

Hten he shoots at Steve.

“STEEEEEEEEEEVE” ballows bBucky

Steve was doging teh bullets………. IN SLOW LOTION!!!! One went ova his sholder. Another went between his longe legs. He did a summersalt and it went over him.

“hawkeye clapped with impressed.

“Uh dont you have a sheild?” said Natasha who was not impressed.

“Oh sorry I fergot” Cpatien America place his hand over his mouth and giggled.

Brick Window rollled her eyes. “Oh my god your such a f**cking show off/”

Steve tock out his Shield and the bullets abounce off. “Thid is boring” complained he. “I liked doding the bullots better.”

“Why” say bLack wicker as she shimmied undre a wave of bulets Do you have to be as reckles sas possible, Steve?”

“Yah.”

Hawkeye tok out an arrew and shooted at Donal tReump. It hit noe of the bullets and the two made a bigg ass explosion. 

“ARRRRRARRAR” Predident Trump was grindin his teeth. “THis MAKE MA ANGRY. TIME FOR PHASE TWOO.”

So Dronald Tmump threw the gun behind him. It asploded like some sh*t from a Mickael Bay productuon. Then…….. he opened his mouth!!!

“TAAAAAKE COVER” ballowed Sieve.

Stev, Bucko, and Natashes hauled ass behinds a building.

“Uh guise?” says Hawkeye who was still tarped under the crushing waight of the average american coldege gradueights student lone dept. “What’s gonna hapen? Guys?”

Just then, a torrential wave of sh*t poured out of the mouth of President of the Unites States Donald Trump.

It covrad everything. It filled the flour and began piling up. Litre upon litre of stinking crap. The three heros hunkred down for deer life behind the building, pluggin they noses. Eventually, it died down.

“Hey I think its stoppin” saed Steve.

“Ill check” volunteered the Bucky. He pocked out his head. Seeing nothing, he started to stealth crawl out behind a pill of faeces. “I think were good! Maybe he only has so mocha sh*t he can spew out at a time!!!”

Doonald Trump hurtled the huge pile of poo in a single bound and landed in front of Bucky. He opened his mouth and regurgitated a stream of complete and udder crap.

The Iron Man loudspeeker turned back on. “JUST WHEN YOU THINK THAT PREDISENT DONAL DTRUP HAS RUN OUT OF SH*T TO SPEW OUT OF HIS MOUTH, THERE’S MORE!!! HE’S LIKE A HYDRA!! EVERYTIME YOU CUT OFF A HEAD VOMITTING OFFENSIVE, HORRIBLE SH*T, TWOO MORE GROW BACK!!!!!!”

“Hey!” said Stove. “DOn’t say that word! THat’s a dirty worsd!”

“WOT?” SAYS IRON MAN “SH*T?”

“No! Hydra!”

Pour Bucky was being married under an endless wave of pure faecal matter. 

“Bucky you dumbdumb geet OUT OF THRE!” yelled Natasha.

“We..” Bucky tried to talk through the waves of shit falling into his mouth “We half to defeet this bad man for Steve to continue right?”

“THAT’S IS CORRECT.” blared the speaker.

“BUCKY!” Steve cried. “IT’S NOT SAFE FOR YOU!!! COME BACK HEAR!”

A small smile spread across Buck’s face. “It’s okay, Stevie. I will help you…. move on. You need to defeat Iron man right?”

Bucky pulled the jar of collorles likuid out and opene dthe lid. He took a big sip.

“AH/ Rejeuvinating.” Says to Bucky. Then Bucky began to wad through the sh*t towards the Resident Trump.

“BUFFY! STOP!!!”

But Bufky did not stop untel he was right in front of Trump. “C’mon big boy,” said Bycky, “let’s dance.”

And then bUckt turned his medal arm into a plunger and shoved it into the mouth of the Teump. The sh*t was pilin up behind it but it cold not pass Buck’s incroyable might. Eventually, it all backed up so much that there was one HUUUUUUUUGE EXPLOSION!!!

Faeces. Flew. Everywhar.

When the explosion was over Steve went running out. Bucku was lieing in th e middle of the park. The lower half of his bodu had been distroyed by the explason.

“BUCKYYYYY!!” Seve cried out. “NO!! NO!!!!”

“Come on…… Steve…. I promised to help you defeat Ion Man, right? Haha… this is jsut… the priceI must pay… Goodbye… Steve…”

“NO!!! NOT TODAY, BUCKY!! NOT TODAY!!”

“I’m sorry… Steve…” Bocky coughed one last time before he was stil.l

The blonde man stared into the dark orbs of hsi best friend. Steve used his fingartips too pull Bucly’s eyelids closed.

“Hey evarybody!!” said Hawekeye. “I was freeed by that explosoin!! What did I mis…? Oooooooooh.”

“Natasha was punch Hawkey. CLINT!!! Can you not see that Stev e is distrawt?”

“No, Tash-tash. It’s okey.” Steve whipped the tears from his bright blue orbs. “Let’s get going. Now… it’s personal.”

TO BE CONTINNUED.


	6. Chambre of Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a very emotional chapter!!!!! Warnigl for all Da Feelz!!!!

Thapter 4  
Capteen Man an the Chambre of Secrest

“I used to go to church sometimes when I was little. Havent done it in years now but I used to go all the time. The curch had this bigass picture of da Lard as like this old white guy and I was always like.

Man.

I want a steind glass window of me too.”

Bruck sigged. “U and your wired metafurs.”

“WHO IS GOD???” Tony slurrd violetly, wavving his arms around drunkenlop. “BRING HIM TOME. I WHANT TO FIGHT HIM.”

“Shh shh” Bruce pett tony head. “You migit be making Him mad.”

“GOOD I”LL KICK HIS ASS.”

“You betr sober up son. I tink da Capn America has beaten the Donal dTrump.”

“Then!” Tony daid dramatically, gesticulating with his bottle o whiskey. “We activate phase 2.”

~~~~~~~~

Da crew all climb through the trap door.

“Its dark down here lol” sayed GHaelkeye.

“Ye” said Steve. “Bucky, can you use your falhlight and — “

:There was an wekword pause as evryo one remembared.

“Oh,” Steve choked.

Tasha putted a hand on the shoulder of Stevv.

“I’m sorry Steve” she did say with wommanly passion. “I kno you two were — ” she leant to Clint/ “Whas that thing again were tow people hace a relationship based on trust and comitment?”

“Ooh! An assassion and the client?” said Haekeye.

“Friends,” sobbed Sreve “Buxky wsa my best friend.” He clung to Narasha and begins to cry into her boobbies.

There was the siund f a rapper crinkling. Svete and Natash turnt to see that Blint was eatin some chips.

“CLUNT.” seethed Blazk Widdow and she slappt Hawkeyde in his baby face cheek. “WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT EMOTIONAL.”

“Shurry” says Hawkete with his mouth so full of the chips. “ I got hungo.”

Steve brush the tears from his blue orbs. “No,” whispred he, “I gotta move on. Lesgo.”

They walk throuh the tunnl. It was dark and spooky like a hAllowen mansion, but Netasha does not know what hallowen is because she is not from America so the thinks it is just spooky.

“I wonder if the Teeneg Mutant Ninga Turtles are down here” giggled Hapweye.

“Don’t be hupid” huffed Natasha. “Theres not enough water for them in her. Turltes like water, so they will not be here.”

“Wow Tashy your so smart.”

Nat winked and her boobies giggled.

Steve was preocupied. He was thinking about Bucku and all the god times they had. One time Steve waked up in the middle of the night and saw bucky was watching him sleep. Actually that happent more then once. Bu ky was always so helpful too: like after all Steves underware went missing, Bucky voluntered to guard all Steves’ underware. Bucky took it real serious too, whenever Steve went to get his underwear Bucky was always in the drawer guarding it for him. Bucky gave Stevie back rubs and did the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, even tho sometimes some of Steves clothes would be missing when he got the laundry back. One time when the shower broke, Bucky licked Steve clean. They had been such good fronds.

A single tear dripped from the bottom of Steve’s sculpted jawline. Oh Buck, he thought.

Something made a scuttling sound in front of them.

“WHO THERE” heve bellowed.

Natasha made a sighing sound. “Steve why did yo bother to hire asasins if your just going to be unstealthy like this?”

The scuttling thing stood up. It was too dark to see but I see a little silhoutetto of a man. “Ya’ll makin one big-ass mistake,” said the shadow. It was the directer Nick Furry.

TO BE CONTINUED!!! PLEASE REVIEW IF YOU LIKE IT :)))))


	7. La Basalisk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the longe wait but now its her!!!!!!!

Chapter Next  
La Basilisk

“Nick!” gasp Hawkryr. “I thought wou were taking a bubble bath!”

“Yeah well that plan changed,” said Nick Furry. “I heard you did something real stupid Steve.”

“What?” said Steve with offense. “I just wanted him to stop creepin on me in the shower!!!”

“I no. But you need to understand something, Steve. Your the little guy here.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means” says Furry, “that what Tony did was dtupid and selfish and wrong. But you shoulda just taken it. Because Tont is the big guy and hell crush yu like a twig.”

“Is that s threat???”

“STEVE” and Nick Furrys voice rung though with souch athority that Steve flinched. “I AM NOT YOU ENEME HERE. I AM NOT HERE TO HURT YOU. I AM TRYONG TO HELP YOU.”

“Why you think I m going to lose?”

“I don’t think you are gonna lose. I know yo ure gonna lose. See our buddy s=Stark is a billyonare. Hes rich. Hes famouse. Hes got fangirls pourin outa his ass. Hes smart and hes powerful. I undrastand that what he done did was rong, but listen to me Steve — you can’t win this. You’ll just be worse off then you were before because rich peeople can make your ;ofe hell.”

Steve only stod, his rippling biceps undulating.

“I:m sorry” said Nick Furry.

“You know what?” said Steve. “No. I don]t give a shit. Tonu eronged me and now heis goint to pay for it. I dont’ know where your dumb tun the othre cheek philosphopy comes from, vut notings gonna change if nothing happens.”

Nick Furry sigged. “I tryed” he said to hisself. “Well. I geuss I have no choice.”

“WHat you going to do Nicki?” said Hawkeye

“Not all heroes ware capes” Nick Furry said. “I have a suit myself.”

The lights turned on. Nick Furry was standing in the missle of the cave wearing a turtle fursuit.

“Oh my fucking god” said Natashi. “Are you fucing kidding me????”

“Not a chance bitch” Nick Furry scofed. He jumped down from the lege and did that Naaruto run at Steve: yelling “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Steve bracced himself for the attack but Furry rolled into turtle ball and boweled Steve over. Natasha shot Furry alot, but the bullots rikosheyed off. 

“WINDS OF DESTINY, CHANG!!!!” bellowed Nick Furry, and his fursoot was transofmed into a fox forsuit. He begun to claw at Steve’s eyes.

“Oh no!” gasp Gawkeye. He tried to shoot an arrow at Furry but he mist. “Golly gee I”m just so useless.”

Narasha kicked Nick Furry away with her high hell. He rollt back and yelled “FURRY POWERS ACTIVAAAAATE!!!!”

“Wat Does The Fox Say” started to play from a tinny speeker on the fursuit. Natashas’ ears bleeded.

Steve through his Sheld at Nick Furry, but Furry summersalted away.

“Man!!!” Yellt Steve. “This guy can MOVE!!!!”

“You can’t defeet me” said Furry. “I am thee ultimate.”

“Let me help!” said Hawkryr.

“No!” Natasha shouted. “Im sorry, Flint, but youe just so usuless! Go sit in that coroner!”

Hawwkeye jogged ovre to the corner but he tripped.

“GOD FUCKING SAMMIT HAWKEY” 

“I;m sorry!!!!’ wailed Hawkeye. “I’m jist so uselss!” A dvd case fell outta his pocket and slid across the floor.

“I tolled you to return Zootoopia before we og on this mission!” Natasha said. “WHy do you still have it?”

“ZOOTOOPIA?” Nick Furry perked up. “AW SHIT MAN THAT’S MY FAVRITE MOVIE!” He did the Narutop run to the Dvd. 

Stece hit Nick Furry in the back of the head with his shield and picked him up by the sxuruff of the furrsuit. “Nic kyou said that I would could necer beat Tony. But you for got one thing. I am CAPTSIN AMERICA! IF FIGHT FOR TRUTH! JUST ICE! AND THE AMERCAN WAY! SOME GUY IN A TIN CAN HAS NOTHING ON ME!”

Furry shook his head. “Your still gonna die. But have it your way.”

“Hooray!!! Said Hawkeye. “I helped!!!”

Natasha patted him on the back. “Yojusd id a good job.”

TO BE CONTINUED


	8. EIGHT! BRUCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oho!!!! They go into the lab!!!1!!

Captain Eight

Bruck’

 

“Well shit” says Brook. “They beat Nick FUrry.”

 

Tony was majestically brandishing his botle of Tequila like a babby brandishing its rattle. “It! Doesn’t! Matter! Stev’s! Wrong! I’m! Right!”

 

“Pkay, okay.” Brucy was placating. “I will be seeing about beeting them myself but you need to prepare for if I am not being strong enough.”

 

“Oh i’ll prepare alright” Tonu growled. “I’ll prepare.”

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

“Wheeeee!1” Haqklwte sang as he twirlt and shot arrows around like showers of April. “Killong robots is soooooo much fun!”

 

“Geez Clunt” complains the Natasha. “Clam down!”

 

“I’m sorreeeeeee,” giggled Jawkeye.

 

“Steve did you give Clint sugar?” Accused Natasha.

 

“Only a smol sugar,” defended Streve.

 

Her boobos jiggle as Natasha shok her fist in anger. “Steeeeeeeeve!! Yu should know not to give sugar to Clint. He is full of excitement now.”

 

“Oh no” said Steve whil eClint skippe around giggling. “Clint these are theTon’ys labs. You might break A Thing.”

 

“Shouldn’t you be hapy about that?” Wondered Nat. “I mean are’nt you angry at Tong?”

 

“NOOOOOOO.” ballowed Steve. “I mean, YES, but NOOOOOOOO. I am a PARADIGM of MORAL VIRTUE. Even when I am CROSS with Tony I would NEVER want to destroy his parsonal property.”

 

“...But you’re fine with sendind assassins after him to kill him.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Natasha stared at Steve.

 

“What?” defensive was Steve. “Don’t complain!!!! You are being paid 4 this!!!”

 

“Actually” said Steve “I was wonderin. Why did you take this job?”

 

“For the monry of course. Duh.”

 

“But what for do you need the money for?”

 

Natasha wore a nervous face. “Well — Uh — You see —” 

 

“Hello.”

 

“WHO THERE??” Steve demanded sternly.

 

“Tis I.” and who would be the one to step out of the shadows but Broose Baner.

 

“BRUUUUCE” Steve yelled. 

 

“Yes.” He said calm. “Me.”

 

“YOU ARE MY NEXT TO FIGHT?????”

 

“No Steve. I am not her to fight you.”

 

“JUST FIGHT ME CODSARNIT.”

 

“Natasha” Bruce said softly.

 

Natasha folded her arms under her boob. “What???”

 

“I kow your secret.”

 

Natasha put her hand over her mouth and tears were in her eyes.

 

“Wait what” said Steve.

 

“Wait what” said Clont.

 

“Wait what” said Bucky.

 

“Where the dickens did this come from????” Steve said. “There was no fourshadowing or build=up for this at all!”

 

“Yeah Natasha I never knew you had a secret” Clint said vibratingwith sugar. “I thought you were just here to be the sexy voice of reason.”

 

“No no.” Said Brice all sinister. “There is more to a women than them having a vagoona and being progressive for having brans. You see Natasga here has a darrrrk secret.”

 

“Is that why they call her the Black Widew?” Clint asks.

 

“What” Bruce sayd.

 

“Because she has a  _ dark _ secrest?  _ Black _ widow?”

 

Bruce staired at Clint.

 

Steve was disgust. “That was just awlful. Get out forevre.”

 

“Aw.”

 

“Is the secret the wone from the new Age of Youtron move?” steve asked. “You know, that Nat ca’nt get preggers and shes’ a monstr? Because everone already saw that movie. Everyon already knows that plot twiste.”

  
“What? No. Not that one.” Bruce said. “No I am talking about Natash’as true secret. Her depest darkest one. The reason she agrede to go along with you. The greatest most tragic event in human history. The


	9. Le Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That last sentence is the worst thing that I have ever written. RIP.

  
Natashas Secret

Secret to end all secrets. The terrible trooth. The greatest verity. The —”

“GET IT OVER WITH,” Steve yelled, flexing vigourously. “MY BICEPS ARE GETTING IMPATIANT.”

“FINE!!” Natasha creamed. “I NEED TO BUY A SPORTS BRA, OKAY?????”

“A what” said Clint.

“Why would you need one of those?” Steve said confusedly.

Natash turnt her face away the limpid tears streaming beautifully down her gorgous ace. “Tims are tough fight now in the assassassin business. I ca’nt even affraid a sports bra.”

“But if yo had a ports bra then you boobis could not giggle?” said Clint wisely.

Natasha was rolling eyes. “That is the POINt. Having my “bobbis giggle” while I am fighting is not fun. You do relish that breasts are full of agont right??? Clint I wear a leather catsuit! The chaffing is unbelievable!!!! It hurts me nipples!!!”

“We have a proposition for yooooou.” Bruce said chuckling. “Behold!!!!”

In the centre of the lab a podium rose from the ceiling. Inside was the Iron Man suit but like a bra instea.

“The stateoftheart IRON BOOB TUBE!!” Bruce anounced. “Made By science OF science FOR science!!!!! Abanana Steve and join us and this will be yours! What do you say??????”

Natasha was droolink over the beA. How could she resist suck a deal?????

She felt a tug on her sleve. It was clint.

“Natasha,” he said with moist eyes. “You willn’t do it right?””

“I dunno,” she said all quiet.

Clint looked at hte ground.

“WHat?”

“I don;t know what I’d do without you.”

Natasha lip stiffened. “Bruce.”

“Yes>?”

“Oh, Brucy,” she purred, leaning foward so her boobs did cleavage.”I did’nt know yow ere so eager to see me in my unmentionables.”

Bruce blusht. “Have you made you decision?”

“Hmm.” Natash shrugged and her tittays did a bounce. “I miiiiight need a little more persuasion.”

“O-oh?” Btuce;s voice cracked.

She sauntered towards the Bruce, makin them tatas bob. “I think I needa know a little something about you, big boy.”

“Oh?” Bruce said sounding like a castrati trying to hit that high c.

Natasha stroked the side fo Bruces’ face. “I need… to know….”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
And then Natasha socked Bruce in the jaw. “IF YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND. DO YOU REALLY THINK I’D THROW AWAY YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP FOR A BRA?” She pulled out her gun and began to pistal whip him. “THESE BOYS WOULDN’T BE SHIT WITHOUT ME. WE’RE GOING TO GO UP THERE, WE’RE GONNA BEAT UP TONY BOY, AND THEN I’LL ROB THAT RICH BASTARD FOR EVERYTHING HE’S WORTH AND GET ME A BRA.”

Brunch nursed his bloody nose. “Is that your final answar?”

Natasha kicked him in the shinz.

“Uuuuuugh” he groaned. “My kidneys.”

“Are you gonna let us pass now?” Demand Tashy.

“Nah.” Bruve put his glasses back on face. “See now you have made the mistake.You have denyed sax to a Male Nerd. Now I will proceed to be irattionally angry becuz you did not put out.”

Nat gasped. “That means —”

“Oh crabnugguts.” Steve said.

“That’s right.” said Bruch then he went all green and big and stuf.

Hawkeye clapped to be the politeat the show.

“HULK ANGRY CUZ HULK DIDN’T GET LAAAAAIIIIIIIIIID” bellowt the Incroyable Hulk.

 

TO BE CONTUNUED


	10. Le Guerre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go.

Chapta Next

War

 

“Damn!!!!!” scrammed Tony as he was lookin at da camera screen. “They gettingto far!!! I guiness I’ll just have to dtop them meself!!!”

 

He runned into his big old closet.

 

“IRON PRISM POWER!!!!!!” he yelled and strike a pose. “MAKE UP!!!!!”

 

He glowda and some cool metal clothes was wrapping around him. It eas a medal sailor fuku with a yellow and red skirt and some boot and a shirtand opera gloves. And also hair decorations.

 

“FUCK YEAH!!!! IN THE NAME OF IRON, IMMA KICK THAT STAR SPANGELED ASS!!”Yelled Sailor Tony. 

 

His feet glowed with power and he flew down through the floor breaking all the floors like HUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!

 

“BEHOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!! MY NEWEST AND MOST BESTEST FOOOOOOORM!!!”Tony posed.

 

Clint claped politely. 

 

“It sucks” said Steve.

 

“BITE ME” Yelled the Ton.

 

“Hulk was chasing Natasha through the lavoratory. 

 

“HYLK HAPPY THAT THIS TOTALLY NECCESSARY ROMANCE SUBPLOT WAS ADDED IN!!” the leen green been macheen bellowed with happy. “NOW HULK FINALLY HAS WAIFU.”

 

Natasha shooted her gun at the Hulk. “Nobody wanted this and this is supid!!!”

 

“HULK WANTED THIS.”

 

“Shut up!!!”

 

“Muhuhuhuhuhahaha!!!!!” Tony cackled all evil and twirlt a fingre through his goatie. “Can you possibly defeet both me and the Hulk?”

 

Steves sheild hit Tony in the face and he went flying. “Gee I dunno” Steve said Steve. “But I sure think so.”  
  
  
  


“Gee goya Steve nice shot!!!” said Clunt.

 

“Why are you doing that?” asked the Steve.

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Lately youv’e just kinda been complimenting Nat and I on everything we do and calling yourself A Useless and saying Gee Golly all the time…..”

 

“Weeeell I”ve been thinking Steve.” Clint said ponderously. “All these superhero stories these days are getting so intense. They’re all about explosions and famoose actors instead of flamboyant costunes and moustache twirling. I think with the nuw movie coming out we need to get sueprheroes back to their roots!!”

 

“What doesthat have to do with anything?”

 

“Im’ the sidekick!!!” Clint ejackulated.  “My job is to be pretty and useless and emotional!”

 

“Man thas stupid” said Steve.   
  


“Wow Steve that sure is a good point!!!”

 

“SHUT UP!!!!” Tony yelled. “Oh my GOD all you idiots do is BANTER, BANTER, BANTER.”

 

Steve raised an EYEBROW. “Oh Yeah ?better than holing up in a creppy old tower and building wired robots.”

 

Tony shot a missile at Steve. “DON’T YOU JuDgE ME RODGARS.”

 

“I will judge you all I want.” snarled Hsteve. “In fact…….. I think JUGEMENT DAY IS COM. I’m bringing in the cavalray.”

 

“What da bloody ballsack are you talking about?” demandeded Tony.

 

The wall ripped open.

 

“My merry brethren, what happy day

Has fall’n on us that we may jointly play

A jov’al sparring match between two crews;

And I the Stellar Spangled troupe do choose,”

Thor declaired and bransdih hammar.

 

TOBY CONTINUES!!!!!1!


	11. Assending!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rise.

Chapter Ascendance

Toby’s missle strucked Thors face but Thor did ot flinch.

“Ah! A jov’al greeting ‘tween two men?” Thor asked smiling.  
“Allow me to return the sentiment!”

Thor grabbed the missal and threw it back at TIron Man. Iron Men flew up and dogged it but only barely. He had has drink too many alcohol so his head was sloggy.

“Thou lookst ill, good friend, I do proclaim.” Thor exclaimed with care.   
“What is it that has thrown thee off thy game?”

“Shhhhhuuuut,” Ton yslurred, “the fuuuuck. Uuuuup.” He used the supper strength in his suit to piledrive Thor into the floor and the floor cracked. Tony snarrled with angre. “This isss why Iinvited nIck Furry not yoy. You talk like some1 ate Beowulf and Shakspeare and is still shitting it out!!!!!”

Thor coughed up blod and peeled himself of the floor.   
“Forgive me, friend, let me not kill the mood.   
I shall adopt the tongue of new times… dude.”

“UGGGHHH.” Tony groned. “Never open dat mouth uh yours again. Your giveng me a headache.”

Thor leant in with concern.   
“Prithee, hie-thee homewards if thine ague  
Doth ‘harsh thy vibe’ in this ‘hardcore’ milieu.”

“Chrissakes thats’ the worst thing thaz ever come outta your mouth.” Tony feel onyo his hands and nees. “God. Why.” And then he vomitted up the last twelve ours worth of alcohol.

Thor patted The TOny on the back like the god bro he was. “And that was the worst to e’er come out thine.”

Evrything was b;urry and getting blurryer. Tony was strating to half trouble open eyes to keep. Circles spinning.

“I daresay that thou hast had too much wine,” Tohr. 

“Nmstkpfghtfghtstv,” Tony. Blank. Spinng? All fault Stev. Seves fault. Make anthill, mountain. Why.

Eyes close. Bl. Black. Feel tyred. Sleep now.

Sleep frever.


	12. Deus ex Machina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't take this too seriously.

Chapter

Deus ex Machina

Judges 15:16

 

He awoke slowly, but cleanly. There was no residual grogginess or exhaustion — in fact, he felt better than he had in years. The hangover that he probably should have had was nowhere to be found. He felt incredible, like he was floating.

 

Actually, he was floating.

 

Below him, above him, around him, even  _ through _ him was this heavy blackness. It shimmered rainbows when he turned his head like an oil slick. The air smelled like something he remembered at the corners of his mind. Chocolate chip cookies that he had once, perhaps, or the smell of batteries from when he had taken apart the T.V. remote at the age of five.

 

“Hello, Tony Stark.”

 

The voice sounded like his mother’s. Or was it his father’s? Maybe he was more disoriented than he had thought. He turned around, but there was nobody there. When he moved, his hair swirled around him like he was some chick in a shampoo commercial.

 

“You’re not looking. I’m right here.”

 

He blinked, and there was a figure standing in front of him. It looked like Pepper. The next moment, it looked like Vision. It shifted through various familiar forms — Steve, Natasha, Thor, Bruce, Clint, Loki, Nick, Ultron — before bleeding into a jumbled mess of everyone he had met in his life, and even some he had not.

 

“What are you?” He demanded of it.

 

“Why, Tony,” the being said with Tony’s voice and Tony’s face, “you’re offending me. I’ve always been with you.”

 

He broke out in a cold sweat. “Am I tripping? Oh, Jesus, I never should’ve tried that funky-smelling booze that Furry brought back from Brazil.”

 

“Hush. This is real.” Now it was his grandmother, peering over her half-moon glasses with kind, watery eyes as she patted his arm with a weathered hand. Never mind the fact that Granny had died over a decade ago. “Though you  _ should _ lay off the liquor, but… well, that’s not why I called you here.”

 

“You didn’t answer my question. Who  _ are _ you?”

 

“Hmm. I have many names.” It gave him Natasha’s coy smile, the one that hid who knows how many secrets behind red lipstick. “Frankly, I think I’m too old to care. Call me whatever you want.”

 

“Ooooookay,” he said. “So, Captain Cum-guzzler, what  _ am _ I doing here?”

 

The being rolled its eyes as Bruce Banner. “Well, Private Perpetual Preteen, I usually don’t  _ like _ to do this. See, you work with machines. Let’s say you build a clock. Now, do you want to have to fix the clock every few hours, or do you want it to run on its own without constant maintenance?”

 

“Uh, run on its own?”

 

“See, you get me!” It was… Peter Parker, now? Well, okay. “You make a clock, you want it to work without you. I make a universe, I want it to work without me. But I’m interfering right now, because what you need is an  _ epiphany _ .”

 

He snorted. “What are you, God or something?” 

 

“You could call me that,” it agreed. “You wouldn’t be the first. Or the billionth. Or something. Anyways — Tony Stark!”

 

“Wha?”

 

“Stalking Steve Rogers? Bugging his shower? Do you really think that you’re in the right, here?”

 

“Um,” he said.

 

“You’ve always been an asshole.” It held up a hand, Nick Furry’s hand, when he tried to interrupt. “Nuh-uh, don’t argue with me. You’re not an  _ evil _ person or even a cruel one, but you’re an unbearable little shit at the best of times, and when you watched Steve Rogers shower? Not the best of times.”

 

“I didn’t think the Lord was supposed to cuss,” he said, because he could not think of anything better to say.

 

“Oh, yeah? Where does it say  _ that _ in the Bible, hm?”

 

“Well —”

 

“It  _ doesn’t _ , that’s what!” The being was Steve Rogers as it huffed, folding bulky arms over a broad chest. “I gave you humans  _ ten rules _ , that’s all, none of this ‘seven deadly sins’ nonsense or anything. Don’t worship any other gods, don’t worship idols, don’t take my name in vain, be good on Sunday, honour your parents, don’t kill, don’t cheat on people, and stop drooling over other people’s possessions, homes, or loved ones. That’s it. You can cuss up a blue streak as long as you don’t use my name in it.”

 

He lifted a finger. “And where does it say ‘don’t watch a  _ divine _ specimen of man shower’?”

 

“Don’t worship false gods,” it replied. “Or don’t worship idols. Take your pick. Or maybe I should add an eleventh commandment: don’t be a jerk.”

 

“How was I being a jerk?” Tony demanded, exasperated.

 

Now, it looked like that Deadpool guy Tony saw once or twice. For fuck’s sake, that guy was showing up everywhere. “Oh, that’s  _ right _ . Invasions of privacy are ‘child’s play’ for you. Well, let me spell it out — or, better yet, how about I leak those dick pics you sent Pepper Potts when you were drunk? Send them to every tabloid, post them on Twitter?”

 

“What? No!” He gasped. “Wait… you have a Twitter?”

 

“Irrelevant,” it insisted as it took on the guise of Peter Parker again. “With great power comes great responsibility, and  _ you _ need to step back on up on the responsibility front, you hear? I’m only doing this once.”

 

“I… think so,” said Tony, who still was not sure that this was not some bizarre drugged-up dream.

 

“Good.” With the face of everyone he knew and loved, the being smiled. “I hope it’ll be a long time until I see you again, Tony Stark. I love you.”

 

“Uh, love you too?” He answered bemusedly, and then everything went dark again.


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DE END OF THE CAPTRAIN MAN!!!!!! BUT IF I GET FIVE GOOD REVIEWS ILL ADD ANOTHER CHAPTER WARE TONY AND STEVE HAVE SEXYTIMES ;))))))))))))))))) hehe

Chapter End  
End Eng

Hte world snap back into hazy.

“...Zhe dead?” sum1 was saying. 

“let's root thru his cockets for spare change!!” sayed a voice that sounded like hakeye. 

“Tonu!!!!!!” A voicr cried in despaor. “No!! I never meant for this to go this this far!!!”

“i’m sorry steve.” sais the voice of Tashy. “He is died. We half to bury him.”

He hearing a shovel starting difging by his hed. With this; he energy felt flow through his boday. From this shiny iron head to his croutch.

“NOOOOO!!” HE ROEARED AND JUMPT UP. “NOT TODAAAAAY, NATASHA STROGANOFF!”

Hswkeye gaspt. “oh noes! He’s olive!!”

“That’s right bitchies!! Tonu streak iz back in BUSNESS!” yelli Tony. he pointed one angry metal fingre. “STEVE ROGERS!!”

“Whaddya want?” huffed the Captain America, sucking his thum and clutching his S.H.E.I.L.D. like a blankie.

“I WANT………………………………..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…..to apologise.”

 

“What?”

“I’m sorry,” Tony said. “Thinking about it, this whole thing’s been pretty stupid, hasn't it? I shouldn't have put a camera in your loo. Sure, maybe you trying to murder me in response wasn't the most rational response — ” 

“Dick,” muttered Steve.

“ — but I kept it escalating.” He chuckled. “Trump for president, two-k-sixteen, huh?”

“That was just weird,” Steve said. “And it killed Bucky!”

“Ehhhhh, Bucky killed my parents. Quid pro quo. But really, Steve, who cares about him?”

“Millions of screaming fangirls?” Hawkeye asked.

“I — I,” Steve stammered.

Tony leaned forward and gently grabbed Steve’s chin. “I care about you, Stevie. And for that… I'm sorry.”

He leaned in for a kiss. Steve’s eyelashes fluttered.

“HEY,” yelL Natosha. “Dos that mean I don'to get mah monies?”

“I meenn….” Stef says. “I hired yoy to kull pple. And yot didn't relly kull anyone. So no.”

“AW FUCK THAAAAT” Natasha pulled an Ak47 out of her clevag. “I FOUGHT DONAL TRUMP, A GODDAM YIFFER, AND THE INCREDIBLE VIRGIN FOR DIS SHIT???? HELL NAH!!! SOME1 IS GONNA DIE!!1!”

And she points the gun at Stece!!!!!!!

“NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

And den….

 

 

 

bUCKY CUMMED CRAWLIN OUT DA GROUND WIT HIS JAR OF MISTERIOUS COLORLES LIKWID!!!!!!!! HE WAS BLEEDIN ALL OVER THE PLACE AND HIS INTESTINES WERE ON THE OUTSIDE BUT HE WAS OLIVE!!!!! HE COFFED UP SOM BLOOD!!!!

“NOT TOADY, NATATAS!!!!!!!” he ballowed and punched Nat in the face. “WE HAVE BUSNESS TO WITCH TO ATTEND!”

“Did sum1 say witch” said the scarlett witch.

“No, fuck of.”

“Kay,” she shrugs and leve.

“Steeeeevieeee!!!” Tears was streaming down buckys face and he held out his arms to capton america. “I missed yoy so mulch!!! I cam back for u!!!” He reched out to hug steve

Steve threw Bucky onto the hard dirt.

“But… but why?” Bucky wheezed.

“Stay the fuck away from me,” said Steve, his voice like ice. “This isn’t a Stucky fic.”

An then Tony began making out with Steve and everything was right with the world!!!!!!!!

DE UND!!!!!

p.s. Bucky died un the groind becuz hes a creepy lozer who wheres eyeshadow lol 

P.p.s Natasha got her sports bar and her bobbies never giggled agun 

P.p.p.s. Clunt stayed at home watching disney movies 

P.p.p.p.s. Donald Trump was impeached for being a fucking classist asshold 

P.p.p.p.p.s. Nick Furry retyred for his dream job which wuz takin commisions on FurAffinity 

P.p.p.p.p.p.s. the Incredible Sulk finally lost his veganity to the worlds biggest fleshlight that Tonu invented and he became a doubleultraubermegagoogaplexillionaire 

P.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Tonu and Steveo lived happily every after

P.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. The cake is a lie!!!! Lmao trolled u gud

P.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Clints favrite movy is brave because that redhead girl has a bow and arrow to. 

P.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. I mean that brave girl is kinda like da kid of Clynt and Gnat right tho????

P.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Also da culurlez liquido that was dans le jar du Bucky was aktully steves sweat!!! Lol!!!!

P,p,p,p,p,p,p,p,p,p,p,p,s. I want to guve a shoutout 2 all mah readers!!!!!!!! I have never gotten this many good reviews before iand it makes me hapy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you all so vry munch for reading my stry and I hop u thot it was gud!!!!!!!!!!

P.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!!!!!!!!! lmfao


End file.
